Rain~

It is raining here today in Southern California, and for some reason when I hear the pitter patter of the rain as it hits my windshield while I drive down the highway for work, I am reminded to slow down. Lately, my world has been in fast forward, me striving to attain my goals, working to the bone to support my family as much as I can in these hopefully last few months of work.

When I told the pool man of my desire to be at home full time, he was not in support of my decision at first. Not that he didn't want me to be home raising my babies, but I think the fear set in of what about money, and benefits and our routine that we have lived with for over 4 years. What about all of that? I didn't think he was really afraid of change but I think deep down, he is a creature of habit and longs for the familiar. However, he sees my desires and knows my dreams, and supports me 100% now. Will it be a cake walk? Absolutely not...we will have to learn some new, news. I will have to learn to trust someone else 100% with our financial stability, something I haven't had to do in the past. I have always been self sufficient and knew I would be able to take care of my babies if God forbid something happened to the pool man. But I can't live in that fear...it can be paralyzing if you let it. So I am taking his hand, and together we are going to do this, and together we are going to succeed.

With that in mind, I have had to do a lot of planning in the last couple months. Quitting a full time career is not something I take lightly. This has been my life for almost 12 years, so waking up and walking into my bosses office and stating that today is my last day, well that is just not in my makeup {althougth it would be pretty liberating}. I, however wasn't raised that way. So in the last couple months, I have reviewed our finances, looked at where we can make cuts in our daily living, and where we just can't. When I do finally take the plunge, we will be down to basically one salary, and that in itself can be pretty scary when you are used to two incomes.

One of our biggest obstacles has been health insurance. Right now I provide the health insurance for my whole family. To pay out of pocket for health insurance {especially since my son carries a label of Epilepsy} can be very costly per month, and honestly, we just couldn't stomach the cost when we reviewed our finances. I didn't want to be defeated that easily or see my dream fade that quickly so I pursued {and obtained} a part time job. Working 20 hours a week, where I will be able to obtain health benefits {after 3 months of employment} that won't break the bank. For the last 4 weeks, I have been working two jobs, breaking my back to get into a place I felt comfortable, and knew would work for me and my family. Working over 70 hours a week has given me a bigger appreciation of so many things. Most importantly my family. I will be working two jobs until about the end of January {maybe February}.  

Then once I am done with my day time job, I will work three shifts, two nights and one weekend.

The last obstacle we have is our home. About 2 months ago I was set on selling our house. I thought it was the right decision, and it still could be, but I took the plunge and am in the long process of trying to get our home loan either refinanced or modified. I have spent countless hours worrying about where we are going to live, & if we can afford our home when I am done with my day job. Wondering if busting our butts to live where we do is really worth it. I thought I was ready to sell, I thought I was ready to move on, but when I told my oldest punk the possibility of moving, I could see the disappointment welling up in his eyes, as he started to cry he said to me,  "but, momma what about my friends?"....and "momma, will I still get to see my grandma?" My heart broke in a million pieces. To a 4 year old this is "his" home. This house is all he knows. And believe me when I say, I know a home is where ever your family is, home is where your heart is, but this momma is doing what she can to save the only place my son has known as home, because let's face it....we all feel embraced by our house and where we live.

However, if at the end of the day it just makes more sense to move, and that is our only option we will make the best of it...and embrace our new surroundings.

I knew this was going to be a long post, and I have been reluctant to write it all out. I prayed last night, as I crawled into bed at 10:30 wide awake from a night of work, I prayed that I was making the right decision for my family. I prayed for stillness and excitement in new possibilities. I prayed that my children would understand that in the end what their momma is doing right now stems from the love they pour onto me daily.... love that I want to bath in...love I want to seep deep into the creases of my heart...love that is unconditional, and ever lasting. And I prayed, that after this whirl wind of activities and worry comes to an end, I can cool my heels, take a deep breath and be completely still in the abundant love of my family.

As for today, I will be still in the sounds of the rain...and as I drive to my second job tonight, I will remind myself that tomorrow, when I have whole day with my babies, I need to slow down. I will remind myself that laundry, sheet changing and toilet cleaning can wait, there is always another day for those chores...

Tomorrow, I will pull my camera out and take photos of my littlest crawling across our wood floor littered with dog hair. I will make messes with my son as we pull all his toys out of the toy closet. I will grab the pool man's hand as we sit in front of the tumbling ocean eating our bagels in the morning, while the dog sits in the back of our car happy he could be along for the ride.

Tomorrow I will sit in the still of knowing I am on a journey of really, completely and truly loving the life I live and following what my heart knows is right and true.

Peace and love to you on this rainy day...

 p.s. This story moved me to tears.

p.s.s. In the hussle of life, I of course managed to bring a new friend home...she already had her photos session, and now I just have to find the time to introduce her to you, hopefully on Monday!

{all photos from Alicia Bock}

Comments

[Ali]

This post speaks to me in so many ways! Thank you for such a beautiful gift! I have struggled the past three years with mixed feelings on giving up my career to stay with my babies. I too was very self-sefficient and very independent. It is scary, but also so rewarding to be with my girls for all their little moments. I know it would be financially easier if I were to go back to work, and it is so tempting sometimes. Then my sweet 3 year old comes to me, lies her head on my lap and says, "Mommy you're my best girl", and the sacrifices don't seem so hard. You guys will be fine, and you have so much to look forward to. Looking forward to hearing about your new chapter in life!

[Emily]

I applaud you for following your dream to stay home and be with your babies. You can do it! As far as insurance goes, have you contacted an independent insurance agent to get some insurance quote? We live on one income and my husband runs his own business and so we have to pay our own insurance and with have five children. If you'd like to more info I'd be happy to answer any questions you might have. Good Luck, it will 100% be worth it!

[Izzie]

What strength you are showing to your children. Thank goodness for the N.H.S - Here in the U.K - Free to all.
I was given this poem when I first became a Mummy - 24 years ago.
I hope when my children look back on today - They'll remember a mummy that had time to play - There's plenty of time for cleaning and cooking - Children grow up when you're not looking - So - Blow away cobwebs - dust - got to sleep - I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.
Good luck to all of you - really enjoying your blog.xx

[Pat]

This decision that you and the poolman have made will work becasue you are doing it for all the RIGHT reasons. You know you have my undying support on your decision. You will never regret it. Trust and all things will work out, the way they are supposed to. Take care and have a great weekend with your little family. Love you sweetie!

[Rebecca]

May i simply offer a heartfelt 'I UNDERSTAND!'
Health insurance is EXPENSIVE out of pocket & the desire to be the Mama the Lord called us to is GREAT!

Praying for you!

PS ~ those pictures are gorgeous ~ i keep imagining that you must work for some type of magazine 'cause your blog is THAT WELL DONE! :)

[Michelle]

You can do this! you know why? because your heart is in it. I know it is scary, but you can never buy back time. We pray for you nightly :)
xo

[Anne Lorys-Fiona and Twig]

Bless you, my sweet and brave friend!
I think the sacrifices you are making right now are absolutely for the betterment of your family, and I applaud you.

I know it's hard, but you know in your heart you're doing the right thing.

Many hugs and prayers!!!

XO,
Anne

[Lolo]

Have I told u lately that you kick ass mama?!
WOW. 2 jobs?! I hope the other one is Starbucks - LOL

I am so proud of you for fighting and believing in your dreams..... Thinkin' of you, especially while I am splish-splashin in our rain today!!
(sans Wellies :( boo!)
Big hugs to you and the "Pool Clan" - hehe

XOX

[Jane]

I sincerely wish you all the best..I am new to your blog and I seemed to have walked in during a very crucial time in your life. Advice...not me. But I am a good listener and I hear you. Staying at home with my four kids was a luxury we could barely afford but we scraped and plodded on, happy in each others love and strength.

I will be thinking of you.

XO,
Janie

[tara]

Tara~
I am SO proud of you for sooooo many reasons!!!

It is brave to go down to one income when you are used to two.
We've lived on one income since we got married. I worked to put my husband through his Master's degree and then right before he graduated, I had our first child, and I've been home ever since.

You're working two jobs to prepare for the change. You're working your BUTT off with two small babies at home. That is AWESOME. We are all so much stronger than we think we are and God gives us the grace to do whatever it is that we need to do for our families.

You're willing to sell your house if you need to....the house that you love.

Trust me when I say that your kids will be okay if you have to. Little punk man might cry at first bc change is hard..but if you and dad are okay, then he will be okay. If you guys handle the change well, then he will eventually be okay. We've moved several times in the past few years....they survive better than we think they will. Also, he'd give up a house ANYDAY to have you home with him. :)

It's also a great opportunity for growth and maturity in their lives....

SOOOOO proud of you! Praying all kinds of things for you....peace to know what to do about the house...JOY in the middle of what can be stressful....togetherness/connectedness with your man....financial change is hard and stressful...praying you two stay focused on the most important thing....your relationship and your kids.

[julie]

lots of hugs and prayers...in the end it will all be worth it. :)
xo

[Marlene Jackson]

Hang in there and continue to be strong. This, too, will pass...

Marlene - xoxo

[jeanne]

I know all of your sacrifices will bless you and your family so richly. So happy for you and beautifully written.