Well hello girls, i was missing my blog and you, so I thought today would be a good day pop on over here and "write it out" so to speak. As I drive to work in the wee hours of the morning, besides longing for cuddles with my little man, I write blog posts in my head...call me pathetic or call me wordy, I am both, it's ok.
I wanted to take a moment to share a personal story with you, which if you are a long time reader this is no surprise as I have always tried to keep this blog as real as possible without divulging every little thing...ya know us girls, we have to have some secrets...{she smiles sheepishly}
A while back I shared my story about "My Castle", if you missed it, you can read it here ...When I spoke to Kim, who wrote the fantastic article in "Romantic Country" about my home, she explained that she would be sending me all kinds of questions, about me, about my house and about my little family. She needed me to tell her as much as possible...now obviously Kim doesn't know me so well, cause I am a tattered open book with folded and creased pages, waiting for someone to pick me up and read me. When I got her e-mail the information, the details, the nitty gritty came flooding out onto the page...
One of the questions stopped me in my tracks, when she asked, "Why I bought his house, and what do I love about this house?".... suddenly one of those crinkled pages with a coffee stain near the bottom of the page unfolded, and as I hit the send button, I knew I had told my story of why I bought this house, and what I loved about this house...but I also knew in the back of my mind these were not the kind of details you put into a magazine article, an article that is suppose to inspire others with pretty pictures and artsy crafty goodness...so I thought I would unfold my story to you here. What lies in between the pages of a pretty magazine, where personal is accepted and where I can be myself, 100%...and leave the pretty for the magazines!
When I found this house I was in a really ugly marriage, the kind of marriage you lie about, the kind of marriage you see in movies and when you leave the theater you ask yourself, how does any woman get caught up in a life like that?...the kind of marriage you hide from your family, friends and neighbors for fear of embarrassment. I was broken to my core, I was looking for anything to make my life better (tangible or non-tangible), to make my life complete, to take the pain away.
When I walked through the door of my "Castle" on a cold December day I felt it...the calmness, the saftey of being so close to my neighbors, the excitment that maybe this house would "save" me.... I was sold the moment I walked through the door. As my marriage fell apart about 2 months after I bought the house, I parted ways with a skeleton of a man who taught me many lessons in life, to whom this day his image makes me shake in my skin.
I found the freedom, I found the comfort, and the passion I was lacking in life in the walls of this home, my home.
I know you aren't suppose to find comfort, and passion in worldly possessions, but as I changed locks on my doors a few days later, and threw his leftover personal belongings into the trash, as I peeked out my front window in the morning light to make sure I was safe from my old life, I learned to sleep with just myself and two furr babies, and I slowly learned who I was...uncovered a tattered soul, found a loving heart, and every day my life grew more beautiful in this house, in my "castle".
Over the 6 years I have lived in this house, I have moved, painted, re-arranged, sold and unmasked any memory of my old life, accept for one small train case that holds my "wedding" memories....this house has been my saving grace. I have put so much of me into this house...that when my friends walk in, most of them look around and say, "Tara, I can't define your style, but this house is so YOU..." and they are right.
It is me...and my Castle now holds all those worldly possessions that saved me, but it also holds, two precious souls that have been the cherry on top of the ice cream sundae...the pool man and my punk. My house, my "Castle" is no longer filled with tears, but with laughter, silliness, times of complete silence, times of comforted sadness, and times of acceptable joy...that has far surpassed my wildest dreams.
So many of you put so much of yourself into your homes, so much of your passion lies in decorating, and moving furniture from one room to the next, in painting walls 4 different shades of the same color to make sure the color you choose is just right, only to change it a year later. So many of you have the same love, the same content feeling in your home, and when I read your blogs, when I read your stories, I melt, because in so many ways we are all the same...looking for love, longing for contentment, and a place of refuge for ourselves and our loved ones.
I have my place of refuge now, I have a place where I completely feel like me...I love being at home with my family...I love being in my "Castle"...and I am learning every day to love being in the skin that surrounds my heart...and finishing this tattered book of life with all the gritty details that fill in the blanks in between the pretty pictures.
An answer like this is not magazine appropriate, it is not what people want to read....however, I had to share a snippet of my story, because it was such an honor to have my home featured in a magazine...but it was more of an honor to know that life, my life started over over in the same home that held secrets and lies, and failure....and that one folded coffee stained page, can turn into a novel, that in the end is your life story, printed in a magazine with pretty pictures or stowed away in a dusty side drawer, it doesn't matter its all worth sharing.
And celebrating!!!
So make sure you celebrate every moment, every accomplishment, every written and folded page in your story...life is meant to be shared and loved...do it with all you have in you.
After all, what do you have to loose?
And to think you came here to see pretty pictures of a baby's nursery and re-done room for our punk...but alas you got a mouth full...
Shame on me...but you should have known better!
Muwahhh ha ha ha ha!
Blessings from this momma to you~
P.S. our baby punk is doing good, thriving and growing big...he parties all day and sleeps all night...
And as much as I tell my big punk he is having a brother he stills tells everyone he is having a sister...
I think he will be in for a surprise when the baby comes!
oh the innocence of a child, it kills me sometimes!
{image found here}
Such a wonderful testimony. And the best part is what a strong woman you are, and you are able teach your little men the right way to respect a woman; they will make fantastic hubby's someday because of their brave, strong mama!!! :)
Posted by: Teresa Sheeley | January 27, 2011 at 12:02 PM
This was beautiful, girl! I was just thinking about you the other day. Seriously, you crossed my mind out of the blue and I was wondering how you were doing. I'm glad you posted, and shared some of your heart with us! Glad to hear baby boy is growing good.
On a random and completely unrelated note, have you happened across any 1/2 gallon glass jars lately? I need something to store fresh milk in.
{hugs}
Posted by: LeAnna | January 27, 2011 at 12:06 PM
Oh my sweetie....I was just thinking of you this morning. I love this "Tale of a Castle". It is sooo you :)
Our ghostly pasts have so many similarities.....it is so peaceful to know that we have a new life, a new us. And also we can rest everynite in our castles and know that our moat keeps the ghosts away :)
Luv ya!!
XOX
ps - barn door?! ;)
Posted by: Lolo | January 27, 2011 at 12:13 PM
Beautiful words, as always, my sweet friend! I just sent you an email the other day because you haven't blogged in a while! I am so glad baby and mommy are doing well!
XO, Kerri
Posted by: Kerri | January 27, 2011 at 12:18 PM
Oh my friend. I've missed you so much.
I have to say - as much as i LOVE LOVE when you show us pictures of your everso fabulous Castle (chomping at the bit to see the baby bump and the new room!) - but I love when you share your heart.
It is so precious and such an endearing way that is so natural and touches deep into my heart (and I know I'm not alone!)
LOVED that you posted today....HUGS to you! xoxo
PS - you hear about Allegra? ;)
Posted by: Tracy | January 27, 2011 at 12:29 PM
Oh, sweet Tara! How good to hear your 'voice' again, and to hear it so loud and clear and strong! You blow me away - really! You are one amazing woman!
I think of you often, but don't want to bother you with an email, because I imagine you safe in your castle with your pool man and big punk, feeling the movement of the little punk, and know that you are fine! But I do so miss you! Blessings friend! Becky G. in GA
Posted by: Becky G. | January 27, 2011 at 12:46 PM
This one is really nice message. Really what a lady you are. I am saluting you. I am really inspire by you. I am really greatful for your story. Thanks for the sharing some great thing.
Posted by: social bookmarking | January 27, 2011 at 01:01 PM
love.
and miss your posts :)
Posted by: Michelle | January 27, 2011 at 01:20 PM
I am so so so happy to see you here today my friend. I am not lying when I say over the last week I have thought of you every night before I fall asleep! I vow to text or email you the next day and then life gets busy and I forget until right before bed. So just know you have been on my heart. So glad everything is going well. I miss you bunches. I sure hope you update us every now and then. Or at least me;)!! Love ya girlie.
Posted by: Becky @ Farmgirl Paints | January 27, 2011 at 01:35 PM
so excited that you posted today. i love your beautiful words. xoxo
Posted by: The Flying Bee | January 27, 2011 at 02:00 PM
i too was so excited to see your name on my reader. you made my day. miss you.
Posted by: Traci | January 27, 2011 at 02:15 PM
Dear Tara,
Once again you have the written a beautiful blog post. You have been through a horrible storm in your life and found your rainbow in your "Castle" and I beleive also in your soul. What an amazing young woman you are..........
I have really missed your blog posts and glad to hear that your punk is doing well. Hope you are feeling good sweetie pie and look forward to seeing pictures of his new room and the nursery.
Big hugs and much love,
Pat
Posted by: Pat | January 27, 2011 at 02:22 PM
love this, Tara. thanks for sharing. glad you and your family are doing well. xo
Posted by: Julie | January 27, 2011 at 02:26 PM
Dear Tara,
How fun to find a new post from you on my blog list {no I am NOT taking you off, no matter what!}. I found your story about your Castle sad and inspirational all at the same time. You are a survivor and a thriver! Bravo sister!
xo~Jill
Posted by: jill | January 27, 2011 at 02:30 PM
There you are. :-)
Oh, how I have missed these little peeks into your life, my sweet friend!
I loved that RC feature on you.
Big hugs,
Anne
Posted by: AnneLorys-Fiona and Twig | January 27, 2011 at 03:36 PM
so happy to hear from you, and even happier to hear that baby punk is healthy and growing. i love the real you share with us. i miss it.
(and you!)xoxo!!
Posted by: Heather | January 27, 2011 at 04:12 PM
So happy to see words from you. Makes my heart happy to hear from you!
Posted by: Jeanne | January 27, 2011 at 04:29 PM
So wonderful to read your blog. Isn't it great when your castle can become happy?
Posted by: sandy | January 27, 2011 at 04:34 PM
Oh, I've missed you! Thanks for popping in and sharing with us. You have come so far! Hope you're feeling good.
Posted by: Kacey | January 27, 2011 at 04:36 PM
Tara!!!!
I loved every single word of your post...
love your story...that you share it so willingly.....it says so much about your soul that you give yourself away....
did you notice that nearly every person who left a comment calls you by your first name...you are dearly loved...
so glad to hear from your heart..we'll just wait for you to show us your nursery and your punk's room!
Posted by: Tara | January 27, 2011 at 05:51 PM
have missed you and thought of you:) so glad to see you popped in
so glad you all are doing well
xo
Posted by: Martha | January 27, 2011 at 06:15 PM
oh how i've missed you dear girl!! i think this is what i'm longing for the most...a house that is my family's {castle} i'm ready..
Posted by: faded prairie | January 27, 2011 at 07:41 PM
We all have our secrets but that's what makes us. You are a strong woman and I'm proud of you telling this story. It's good to hear from you and hope to hear when that new punk arrives! Stay well and be happy sweet friend.
Posted by: KarenSue | January 27, 2011 at 10:28 PM
Tara, you are such a brave and beautiful soul. Not all of life is pretty as those pictures but you are sure one amazing woman for finding the strength to share your story. Sending big big hugs to you and your little family! xo Susan
Posted by: susan | January 28, 2011 at 06:10 AM
So nice to see you writing today...
You have always really put yourself out there with such truth. There is no doubt in my mind that your continued honesty has been or will be an inspiration for a woman reading that is feeling broken and paralyzed in a hurtful relationship. We heal ourselves as we help others. This story is in the pages of your life but the chapters ahead are going to be filled with all the Joy you were always intended. xoxo
Posted by: lisa ann | January 28, 2011 at 10:27 AM