Tangible Love~

~~~~~Warning!!~~~~~

{add big yellow flashing lights here}

Below is a snipet of my story...

A snipet of how my tangible love changed my heart....changed my life.

It is long so just don't complain and say I didn't warn you!

{she grins}

The memories of this morning are ingrained in the forefront of my mind. It was a cold December morning, the pool man and I were exhausted from a long week of work and worry. The week before we took our punk to have tests done, tests to see if there was any reason to why he was having seizures. It had been a long couple weeks, filled with emotions that had to be held back, filled with a mother's love that overflowed.

The three of us, including the dog, loaded up and headed out for our usual ritual of Saturday morning bagels and ocean watching. My boy just the wee age of 1.5 sat in the back in his footed jammies, content as he always is munching on graham crackers and milk.

The morning bagels came and went...the sky was filled with clouds and a chill hit the air.

We rolled into the driveway, I hoped out of the car leaving the dog in the back. We all shuffled into the house, the pool man holding the baby and me running upstairs to find my socks and walking shoes. I stopped to hop on the computer to answer an e-mail from a friend, and then it was time for our morning walk.

As I signed off my computer up came the pool man baby in hand, informing me we had a dirty diaper to change. We followed one another into my son's room where I plopped him on the changing table. My big boy all warm in his footed jammies, looking at me as if I was his whole world.

We finished the dirty deed and as I folded the second tab of his diaper over, he became very still...very quiet, I left the pool man to look after him as I grabbed a pair of his socks and as I turned back around...

It was like slow motion, my son's right arm slowly lifted above his head and his body turned slowly to the left, I looked at my baby and said to the pool man, "our son is having a seizure"....as the words trickled off my mouth I lost him...I lost my son into a world I know nothing about, into a state I could never describe completely.

I carefully moved him off the changing table, onto the floor of his room that was littered with bright orange trucks and toys. His eyes rolled to the back of his head and he started shaking. I hovered over my boy, I held onto his arm, I talked to him, I watched him as he was completely taken over, as he left me....as he turned blue...and then hauntingly still.

The pool man ran down stairs to call 911...I stayed next to my boy.

I talked to my baby, I told him I loved him, I whispered his name in his tiny ear, over and over and over....at that moment his name felt so distant, his presence so far away, his body stiff as a board with no sign of life left.

The pool man came running up the stairs and I picked my baby up and walked back down the stairs, I held his head with one hand and his limp body in the other and I prayed...I asked God not to take my baby, to bring him back to me, I asked him to hold us both close...

As we walked to the front of the house the Red fire truck roared around the cul-de-sac and 5 well dressed men in blue stormed into my house walking directly to me and my lifeless baby on my lap. They pulled out all kinds of equipment to monitor his breathing, to see if my son still had any life left. I told the fireman in the most stern mommy voice I had that I wasn't going to the hospital if I was going to be sent home with no diagnosis.  I pleaded, I begged them not to take my baby, if nothing was to come from our 3rd stint in the hospital.

An older gentleman with charcoal grey hair looked me in the eye, and slowly he said, "I will not let them discharge you without a diagnosis I promise"...I looked down at my baby, as his color had finally come back and I kissed his cheeks over and over...the room of well dressed men became silent, and so with the dog still in the back of the car, I walked out of our house and loaded myself and my baby into the back of an ambulance littered with medical equipment for saving lives.

The pool man hoped in my car after letting the dog into the backyard and zoomed passed us on the freeway while making two calls, one to my parents and one to my sister in law. He made it to the ER before us.

I prayed the whole 15 minute drive to the emergency room in the back of the ambulance as I held my baby to my chest, still no definite sign of life....

I told myself I would love this baby no matter what, I will love this baby, even if he doesn't come out of this seizure, I will love him completely.

We arrived at the front of the hospital and I was wheeled on a stretcher through the ER with my 1.5 year old son on my chest, the stares of the people littering the hallways was chilling, their sadness plunged my heart, their eyes of sympathy as tears started strolling down my cheeks made this all the more real.

The nurses flooded our room to test his oxygen, to look after him, to hold him.... and finally after 10 minutes my baby woke.....he woke up and threw up all over me...he cried loudly....I rejoiced.

 He fell back to sleep.

In nothing but a diaper, my baby slept....soundly.

The pool man sat in the 1970's yellow chair a few feet across from me, I sat on the hard hospital bed with 4 warm blankets next to my sleeping son....weeping...tears running down my cheeks making little pools on my vomit covered sweatshirt.

The pool man rolled his chair over to mine. I looked up into his eyes. He didn't say a word but grabbed my hand as tears rolled down his cheeks. Together we sat by our baby not saying a word to one another, but knowing together we would get through this.

I remember it like yesterday a doctor I had never met before, a foreign face in a white long coat come into our room...he extended his cold hand for a friendly handshake as he introduced himself to me and the pool man. I can't remember his name to this day. He then took a seat on the rolling stool with the leather black seat and pushed himself over by our little family.

He looked me in the eyes as my hand was wrapped around my baby's chubby arm and informed me that my son, has "epilepsy". I tried to hold back the tears that were welling up in my eyes, my ears burned, my chest felt like it was exploding but I wasn't breathing....

I can't remember exactly what else he said...all I heard was "Epilepsy".

Together the 3 of us came up with a temporary plan to keep my son safe. To make sure nothing like this happened again...only it was not in our control, we could not stop it, we could not keep our son seizure free....

My son eventually woke up, just as my sister in law come into the room, tears in her eyes she looked at me and extended a hug as she clinched my son's blanket we forgot in our panic to get out of the house. I took the blanket and pulled my baby to my chest, slid the blanket around his tiny body and handed him to my sister in law.

Slowly he woke up, and smiled.

My baby was back.

My baby the one I vowed to love no matter what, turned his head and looked at me as tears streamed down my face...and giggled.

My heart melted to a puddle of mush on the floor.

And from that day on, that moment, I learned what it meant to have a tangible love.

What it meant to cherish this tiny being each and every day.

God granted me more time with my most perfect son and for that I will always be grateful.

That day I could have lost my son, we could have been one more set of parents leaving the hospital without a baby. We could have been one more set of parents being told our baby had brain damage.

We were given a second chance to love this baby with everything we had.....

We were given a tangible love to dote over, to protect, to smother in kisses.

Each day I think of my time with my son....

Each day I think of how it felt to come home from the hospital with a new label we had to learn to live with meanwhile with a new thankfulness for our little family.

That day as I walked back through the door of our home , my life changed. Our life changed.

The Christmas tree in our family room shined a wee bit brighter, and the garland around the mantle that had fallen to the ground in the pool man's panic to call 911 earlier that day sat lifeless on the floor, I picked it up and placed it back around the mantle and exhaled.

 My life though littered with new obstacles would never be the same.

We came home from the hospital with our tangible love & a new link in our story.

And for that I am forever grateful.

I didn't write this post as a reminder of that day, as it is ingrained in my mind though slowly it has moved to the back instead of the forefront...

I write this post as encouragement to all of you,

To never ever take your tangible loves for granted.

There is nothing more amazing then to be loved, there is nothing more amazing then to love from the bottom of your toes to the tippy top of your head....

Take each day with grace, impress upon your soul the smell of your little ones hair...

Remind yourself that time is not indefinite and to love BIG each day....

and to remember:

& it is worth telling!

Have a wonderful day with your tangible loves!

'til we meet again....

P.S. My tangible love is now officially wearing....

"his big boys underwears"!

Ahh they grow up so fast....

{sniff sniff}

 

Comments

[Becky @ Farmgirl Paints]

Oh my goodness. I am a tear stained mess:) That was written so beautifully Tara. Thank you for sharing that painful story. Because of you I will remember to hug them a little tighter and pay more attention to all those special little things. So much to be thankful for.

[Isabel ~ Maison Douce]

Tara, what a wonderful post... I cannot even begin to imagine the scare you went through, but thank you for reminding us about what is really important and to love BIG each day... I couldn't agree more!!!! Much love to you!
Isabel

[sandy]

What a wonderful story, I hope all is well for your family all you can ever do is live life one day at a time. Blessing to you

[Zita-Mlle Magpie]

Beautiful post, Tara. Give your little guy in big boy underwear a little extra squeeze from me. One day he will be like my hormonal, moody 13 year old boy :)

[The Flying Bee]

I am sitting here full of tears! I have had scary moments with my own son. It is so eye-opening when it happens. It puts everything into perspective. I am so thankful to have my children and your post just reminds me to never forget how blessed I am and to love on my boys with everything in me, everyday. Thanks for sharing your story and yay for big boy underwear!

[Stephanie]

Oh Tara, that was such a touching story! Thank you for sharing it with us. Yep brought tears to my eyes and then in the end you made me laugh like you always do!

[Michelle]

Tara,
I literally had to get up in the middle of this post to blow my nose because I was crying so hard. Then I called to try to talk to my little monster at home with his daddy.
How scary for you. And, what a blessing that you made it through those tough times and now he is seizure free. Thank God!
Have a great weekend sweet girl!
Michelle

[Pat Addesso]

Tara,
As always your post is awe inspiring, thought provoking and brings tears to my eyes. To think that your post will help so many to just stop and smell the roses so to speak, to love without limits and to not sweat the small stuff. You definitely have a way with words that makes us all stop and appreciate life and the ones we love so much more. You are so special! Big hugs to you and that beautiful lil punk of yours. And oh also to the Pool Man, can't forget about him!
Pat

[LeAnna]

Where are the virtual kleenex? This is such a powerful testament to the fragility of life we take for granted far too often. We're nothing but a vapor and every moment we're given to cherish and be cherished is worth it. Life isn't worth staying bitter, or battling with envy and strife. Life IS worth love. And lots of it.
So glad you shared. :)

[Tara @ the cinnamon post]

Oh Tara..I can't see the computer screen and I just might have to exuse myself from work for a little bit to compose myself. Lovely. Bittersweet. I often think about the great love that opens you up to immense heartbreak...how HUGE it is...how much it fills you up. Thank you for reminding me how wonderful it is and how blessed I am to have it. You are so special...
~Tara

[Amy]

What a story. Hugs Tara......

[Martha]

you are right to be so thankful Tara...you wrote this beautifully...and oh how the tears come but your little one oh my goodness Tara...what a fighter, and I always love your perspective:)

[Kacey]

You've got me bawling again. Such beautiful words and such a happy ending. You've got a special boy there.

(And way to go with the big boy underwear! After a big surge of motivation in the last couple days - his, not mine! - we're almost there, too.)

[Tara]

holding my babies closer...and that husband of mine.

it can all be gone in an instant.

this is one of my favorite posts that you've written.

much love.

[Gina]

I honestly needed to read this post today. I always love reading your blog, but your timing for me was more than perfect. Thank you for sharing your precious story. I needed a little perspective today and you gave it to me;)

[susan]

tara, i started reading this while waiting at the dentist with the kids, i had to stop so i didn't sob right there. you have written so beautifully about moments that i can't even begin to a imagine. thank you for the reminder, you are so right our time is not infinite. i'm glad your little one is with you, their precious lives are such a blessing. what a lucky little boy for having such a beautiful mother. xo susan

[Erin]

Tara, thanks for sharing your story. Wow, I don't even know what to say {as I choke back tears}. Thanks for the reminder. And, as I watch my boys play right now, I am so in love.

[Victoria @ Whimsy by Victoria]

You are such a beautiful writer...but not only that...so touching, I couldn't help but have tears well up. I am a mom to 5 kiddos as my husband and I call them...I can relate to the fear, worry and relief you must have felt going through this. I have experienced at one moment or another with my different children and various stages (5-14) that feeling of worry and fear when you can't help them with something they are going through. You are such a good mother and have a wonderful family...bless you all. Thank you for sharing such a personal story and reminding us all to be grateful and love every moment we have with the people we cherish.

Hugs to you,
Victoria

[Becky G.]

Sweet Tara, you never fail to touch me in some way with your posts! I either laugh or chuckle at your antics, or I get teary-eyed at your deeper posts. You are such a blessing to me, sweets!

And good luck with your lilacs! They are my very favorite flower, and I think when I get to heaven, it will smell like lilacs! Have a great weekend! Becky

[Kate]

Tara
You have always had such a beautiful story to tell from your heart. The love that spills out from your soul is so precious. How blessed I am to know you how honored I am to call you friend. All my love to you and your family of loves.

Love you
Kate

[Tricia]

You have filled up my heart tonight, Tara. Thank you. I'm off to squeeze the beans out of my monkeys.

XO*T

[Cassie]

Ohh Tara, you are such a wonderful mommy....I hope to be half the mom you are some day :) Thank you for sharing that, I'm sure it wasn't easy.

Cassie~
CassiesAttic@Etsy

[elizabeth]

Fabulous heart rending post...

[Traci]

thank you, thank you, thank you for that reminder. it is so very easy to get lost in all the mud of everyday life and forget that. well said sweet tara.

[Jen R Sanctuary art]

Tara, I can't even imagine! My oldest passed out once and I felt my world just drop. You have wise words......