For some reason this has been weighing on my heart to tell a snippet of my story. I am reluctant to talk about this, cause it is not "Pretty" and hard to read, but i am hoping my story may help just one other person. I am also reluctant to talk about my ex-husband because there is nothing pleasant about him; plain and simple. He doesn't deserve to be talked about here, so I will hopefully only tell this story once and never another word. With that, here we go.
I used to live in Oceanside, in a small house that I really did like. However, I was not crazy about the neighborhood or the ability for my ex-husbands friends to whom I didn't care for much to always be at our house, drinking, partying and staying way past their welcome so to speak. I was in the midst of a horrible marriage, making my way through the day was difficult, if it was not burdened by work and the mounting bills it was heavily burdened by my ex. I constantly felt myself walking on egg shells around him, and always in a constant state of worry.
One day I got it in my head I NEEDED to move. I had to. I had to get myself out of that house. Out of that life. I suppose I thought that if I moved to a new house my problems wouldn't follow, they would stay buried in that house and on that property. I could start over so to speak. I also thought moving would change my ex-husband, that somehow miraculously he would be that man I "meant" to marry.
I knew I wanted to live in San Clemente, it was where my heart was. I LOVED the feel of this small beach town and well, my parents lived there, and that meant SAFETY. I went through SEVERAL houses, and nothing fit. At that time everything was too expensive and too much work needed to be done for it to be livable. Until the day I found her, it was only the Realtor and me at the time. I walked in and said this is it, this is "My Castle". I loved that it had a staircase that ran up the back of the house. I loved that it was smooshed in between several other houses, with people all around me. That meant safety in my eyes. Yes, it was REALLY expensive and WAY over priced, but I went head first into the sale and finally came out with my house. It seems to be in my nature that when I want something I make sure it happens, buying my house was no exception.
I remember the day we loaded up the truck to move to San Clemente. I remember feeling a sense of un-easiness, and as I sat in the front seat of the moving truck I looked over at my ex-husband and said to him, "Did I just make a huge mistake." He assured me I hadn't, but for some reason I couldn't shake the doom that overcame me as we drove through Camp Pendleton on our way to our new house. Our New Beginning.
The weeks went on, and things slowly but surely as I knew they would went down hill. Since we had moved 30 minutes from all of my ex's friends I spent many nights alone, as he went to hang with his friends, to drink, to go to not so nice clubs, to.... well you get the idea. I spent many nights getting late night phone calls asking for me to come and pick him up at 2am. We fought all of the time, I got blamed for moving him from his HOME town to San Clemente, and that blame became a burden on my shoulders and reason for him to begin to resent me, along with all kinds of other reason he could conjure up in his mind to make my life Hell.
My new house, was to be My Castle it was to keep me safe. I wanted to start a new life here and so far the same life I was running from followed me here. Yes, the stairs that ran up the back of the house kept me safe, but it didn't hide the fact that slowly but surely I was losing sight of myself, and no sooner did I also lose sight of my safety. As the weeks moved on, the binge drinking surmounted to uncontrollable levels, the anger grew, the fits of rage got worse, the blame only left me in tears on several occasions.
I remember the night vividly, and to be honest I usually have a Horrible memory. My ex called and asked me to come and get him, I refused at 2am, and this angered him to no end. He called repeatedly and then he had his friends start calling to tell me he was wasted and needed a way home. I pleaded with his friends to just keep him there and he could come home in the morning. Around 2:30am the front door swung opened, an angered drunken skeleton of a man came barreling through, straight into my room, ripping me out of bed and pushing me down the stairs. My heart was racing and my stomach hurt from the giant butterflies. In the kitchen he proceeded to yell at me for several things most of which I couldn't understand because he was so drunk. He explained how he had thrown his wedding ring off a balcony that night as I was not the woman he meant to marry. As you can tell the maturity level here was around ZERO. I just stood there in AW, that this was the man I married, how stupid am I?
As he tried to make himself something to eat, his friend just stood in the kitchen starring at us in disbelief, I begged him not to leave. Not two minutes later, a plate flew by my head and into the kitchen wall, another plate slammed on the floor and then more threats spewed out of his mouth. At this point I was freaked, but knew I couldn't show it. The screaming proceeded relentlessly however one thing I learned from his emotional abuse is that I couldn't let him think he had won, or he had control over me. I stood in front of him straight faced and fought right back. 'Til finally he looked at me and said, "You better watch your back, I am strong enough to throw you out of the upstairs bedroom window, perhaps you shouldn't sleep tonight." I just stood there. I started shaking. He was strong enough. And he wasn't joking. And this wasn't the 1st time he had threatened me like this.
I will never forget him finally tiring from all the alcohol and fighting. He stumbled upstairs to sleep. I crept up a little while later, praying he wouldn't hear me and wake up. I packed a bag and ran out of my house, out of My Castle while his friend lay on my couch watching me run...run for my life. I told his friend I was sorry he had to see that, and he looked at me and said, "Get out of here, I am sorry I brought him home." I thanked him once again for staying with me that night, he might have been my saving grace. I jumped into my car at 5:45am and drove as fast as I could to my parents (safety) and that was the last night we ever spent together. I never went back, I never forgave him and to this day his name, his face, the memories make me absolutely sick to my stomach.
What goes on behind closed doors of your neighbors, your friends, your fellow co-workers will sometimes amaze you. None of my neighbors knew what the nights brought for me, none of my friends (besides my BFF) would probably have believed me if I told them, thinking I was only joking because my ex was to them a "great" person. They had no idea who he was, and the sad part is to this day they still defend him and feel he never did anything wrong.
If you are in an abusive relationship, please get out. Please, you deserve better, you do. I never thought I was in an abusive relationship until I was out of it, and actually to this day, I have never said those words out loud. I felt silly telling someone else what my marriage consisted of, that we were a fraud, that my life was not what others thought it was. However, if I had stayed I don't know if I would be here today and if I had stayed who knows what my emotional state would be like.
Life is meant to be cherished, it is meant to be treasured, if you are in an abusive relationship, please find a way out. Don't be embarrassed, don't kid yourself that moving, that therapy, that learning to live your life that way is ok. It is not. I got out. I left. I demanded a divorce. I changed the locks on my house. I threw all of his stuff out on the curb. I told him he couldn't come back EVER. I stood up to him for once in my life and it felt good. It felt right.
Today I live in the same house, but it is my house. It is "My Castle" filled with everything I love, yes there are some bad memories, but I learned to move past those and to realize I deserve better. It was a long road to get here, but I made it.
I am sorry this is not a fun post nor something most of you want to read as the blogging world is so inspiring and so uplifting, but I just hope my story can be encouragement to someone else, somehow. I also know that my openness can detour some people from reading my blog and honestly I am ok with that, as this is what is in my heart and the main reason I started writing this blog was to tell MY story, it is not perfect, there are painful memories, and grouse stories, but this is me, and this is my life.
Always know you DESERVE the best & only you can make that happen.
Love yourself, always.
Images: one~ two ~ three ~ four ~five ~six ~seven ~
All images come from a group on Flickr called The League of the Empty chair and I found the images really intriguing, obviously...Te hee! :)
P.S. I promise tomorrow we will be back to the regularly broadcasted program!
P.S. S. Thank you to Tammy who found the wonderful Etsy store that makes amazing Burlap welcome banners I posted about a while back!! You can find them here & I do recommend taking a moment to browse Emilie's adorable shoppe!
P.S.S.S.......THE END, I PROMISE!
Tara, you are one courageous woman. I am so sorry for what you've been through, but "been" is the operative word here - you put it in the past. Tara, you got out, you changed things, and that took enormous strength. Who was it that said there are no mistakes, there are only lessons to be learned? And you're so right, things may look one way on the outside, but you never really know what's going on between two people, that's for sure. Not only did you help yourself, but maybe you'll help someone else, someday, with your story.
Posted by: Zita - Mlle Magpie | June 16, 2009 at 03:24 AM
Thank you for sharing.
You said it all so well 'Life is meant to be cherished, it is meant to be treasured' sometimes we all need to be reminded of that.
Am so glad you discovered your treasures.
Posted by: Pearl Maple | June 16, 2009 at 03:55 AM
You said you've wanted to tell a snippet of your story- that to me says that you are well on your way in the healing process. Who knows how long this actually takes... By sharing your story you are helping yourself as well as alerting others as to the potential dangers of spousal abuse- mental and physical. You're a brave woman, Tara. You've picked up the pieces and moved forward- finding love and happiness, and sharing the same with many others. I wish you continued happiness and inner peace for yourself. xo Sue
Posted by: Sue | June 16, 2009 at 04:32 AM
Thank you for sharing in such an honest and open way. I left the same situation myself just over a year ago and I too didn't realise just how abusive it was till after I left. It's funny though how I am too ashamed to talk about it when really I am not the one that should be ashamed.
I definitely found your post to be encouraging and I really needed the reminder about cherishing and treasuring life so thank you - and don't ever apologise for honesty and for sharing the real truth as it is ALWAYS a beautiful thing xx
Posted by: Erica | June 16, 2009 at 04:41 AM
It took guts to share that. Remember the open letter to my ex that you read on my blog? Well, that was ex #2. Ex #1 looked a lot like your ex, only think cop and steroid/alcohol use. You are so right about getting out, sadly some women never come to the conclusion that they deserve better. I'm just glad I did, and I am oh so glad you did : )
Posted by: Brighton | June 16, 2009 at 04:49 AM
Thank you for such an honest and thought provoking post. Thank you for sharing your story, perhaps if we were all this honest with ourselves and others things in our worlds could be different. If even just a tiny bit.
Sending hugs to you for cherishing your life and for encouraging others to do the very same.
Posted by: suzann | June 16, 2009 at 04:51 AM
You did something so amazing telling your story to help someone! I am standing and clapping for knowing you deserved so much better and how courageous you were!
your friend,
LuLu
Posted by: LuLu | June 16, 2009 at 05:29 AM
oh Tara... take those plates and turn them into a garage door opener, turn the kitchen into a car and you'll know my story. It's like I was reading about me and my ex. That's why I appreciate Rich so much.
I'm so sorry that you had to go through that, but I'm so happy that you got out when you did.
You did the right thing talking about this, because it really could help someone else. you did what I couldn't bring myself to do.
(((hugs)))
rue
Posted by: rue | June 16, 2009 at 05:54 AM
hugs to you for telling your story...
and this is such the right place to do it because in the end...we all have issues that should be shared, and with a group of women who will be so supportive.
and yes...i do believe i need that banner.
xo
Posted by: kasey | June 16, 2009 at 05:59 AM
Tara, I am so glad you opened up and shared your story, I know how hard it is to relive the pain, but that is what truly brings us all together... I share a similar story... I was married when I was 22 and lived in agony with a mentally abusive man for three painful years (who told me only a few months after we got married that he wasn't sure if he was in love with me), I finally had the courage to walk away and felt tremendously empowered and one million pounds lighter... For many years, just the thought of him made me sick to my stomach, now I don't even think about him anymore..!!!
I am now married to the man of my dreams and couldn't be happier..!!!
Sometimes, we just have to spit the seeds out and bury them in the sand... Thank you for your honesty and your willingness to help others, I am sure it will make a difference in someone's life.
Isabel
P.S. I love San Clemente! We used to live in Irvine when my husband was stationed in El Toro...
Posted by: Isabel ~ Maison Douce | June 16, 2009 at 06:19 AM
Once again, I applaud you for your strength to overcome a not so ideal situation. Your courage to voice it in public. Your compassion to reveal very personal moments in your life hoping to help others. You are an incredible woman and when others may veer from your blog to avoid your honesty, that is why I come here. I wish you the best that life has to offer, for you truly deserve it. Life is something to be cherished and I am glad that you are at that point. I am also glad that I found you. You are a true testiment to the fact that you can overcome and come out shining.
Posted by: Maggie | June 16, 2009 at 06:24 AM
It makes me sick to think you've lived a story like that! But it didn't break you! You are just as darling and sweet as ever. (even though I didn't know you before) I'm so happy for your safety. So happy you love this beautiful, safe home. So glad you're okay! You are a wonderful girl and I know this post will show someone that they are not alone! xoxoxo!!! muaah! (I hate this for you! so glad its over!)
Posted by: lissa | June 16, 2009 at 06:34 AM
You are a STRONG and WONDERFUL woman Tara. You honesty inspires me, it really does. Never apologize for sharing something that isn't happy or fun ~ you are being real which I happen to love. I am sorry to hear that you had to go through all of this and so happy to know things have changed in great ways for you.
Posted by: Rebekah | June 16, 2009 at 06:42 AM
Tara, good for you for bring so strong! I knew you were a wonderful person! I know you are going to help someone by being so brave and sharing your story! Jen
Posted by: jen R Sanctuary arts at home | June 16, 2009 at 07:04 AM
My Dear Sweet Friend,
I'm so sorry for what you've been through. That is really tough stuff.
Really tough. All my love and big hugs to you...
Chasity
Posted by: Chasity | June 16, 2009 at 07:20 AM
My heart cries out to you, my friend.
My father was like this. Egg shells, emotional abuse, drinking, threats. I could have married a man like this-a man I met in college.
Your words DO give courage!!
Sweet sister in so many ways--you are in so many ways amazing!!
Posted by: Allegra | June 16, 2009 at 07:25 AM
What an amazing strength you behold to be able to share such a story with the blog world. I am so proud of you for leaving and finding yourself again. I raise my two daughters to know that treatment like that is never acceptable and you must love yourself in a way that makes others want to love you and that you must "teach" others how to treat you. Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of yourself, I hope that your story will help countless others. God bless you, Paula
Posted by: paula lyon | June 16, 2009 at 07:40 AM
Oh my goodness Tara, you are an amazing woman with an amazing story. I thank you for your complete honesty here. I believe that someone out there will read this and make a change for the better in her life, thanks to YOU. I am sorry you had to go through all of that, but I am so glad you are brave enough to tell your story! So many of us have "stuff" we should probably share as to help others going through the same thing but keep quiet cause we want everyone to think our lives are perfect and in alot of cases it is just plain hard to humble ourselves enough to be completely honest. Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart! :)
Posted by: Tricia Whisler | June 16, 2009 at 07:43 AM
Oh, my sweet, sweet Tara!
I wish I could give you a big hug!!!
I am so happy you got yourself out of that shitty thing called "marriage". You truly deserve the absolute best.
Thank you for sharing that story with me. It truly just makes me love you more and more.
I tip my coffee to you my dear sweet friend!!
xoxoxo
Posted by: Amy | June 16, 2009 at 08:04 AM
I love our heart, honestly and strength. I KNOW there is a woman reading this today and it will change. her. life! I am so thankful that you are free and living in peace and joy.
Posted by: Jeanne | June 16, 2009 at 08:10 AM
my sweet girl..you know what you went through has only made you stronger and wiser today..I don't believe you would be the woman or mother that you are today if it were not for your past experiences. It was a horrible time, I remember it like it was yesterday..it is gone..thank goodness....but like dad and I always say...we did throw a great wedding/party for our friends~!
love you, mom
Posted by: mom | June 16, 2009 at 08:19 AM
Tara, you are an amazing person, and the more I get to know you, the more I'm in awe of your strength and the incredible voice you have! Tell your story, sweetie, and never apologize! I am sure there is someone out there who will read your story, and draw strength from it, and from you. Your voice, my voice, our voices can change things for someone who needs a sane voice to listen to. That's why we blog. One of the many reasons we blog, lol! You ROCK!!! Becky G.
Posted by: Becky G. | June 16, 2009 at 08:27 AM
You are courageous and amazing. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm so glad you found happiness.
P.S. I got the tea towel and goodies in the mail yesterday. Thank you! I love them.
Posted by: Kacey | June 16, 2009 at 08:37 AM
I am so moved by your willingness to be transparent.
You are SUCH a light that has reentered my life, I am SO grateful for our paths to cross, again. I'm so sad to hear that in our detour from each other - that you had to experience this.
I pray your words touched someone's heart and encouraged them to get help, get out and to get strong. Your strength and courage are incredible.
I adore you, and LOVE how your story didn't end there, and you're now in the "...and she lived happily ever after" chapter.
BIG HUGS FROM PASADENA!
(I'll email you about July soon!)
Posted by: Tracy | June 16, 2009 at 08:43 AM
A great, big huge hug for you. I admire you so much for your honesty. Your story will help someone, it is heartbreaking how much we really don't know our neighbors and friends. You are very courageous and I love the person that you are. I am so happy for where you are in your life now.
Posted by: Diana Thompson | June 16, 2009 at 09:03 AM